


Forget About Me

by Kellyb1459



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Other, Sad, Self-Hatred, present day ryan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-22 16:51:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4843049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kellyb1459/pseuds/Kellyb1459
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan is empty. There is nothing that can make his smile last any longer. Temporary smiles for heartbroken souls.</p><p> </p><p>REALLY AWFUL WRITING DONT READ THIS SHIT</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Fake Smiles for Heart Broken Souls

**Author's Note:**

> This will be written from Ryan's point of view.

I feel like dying. I always do on nights like these.

I'm alone. I hate being alone. My mind wanders and the only thing I can think about is who I've hurt in my past and who I will hurt in the future. 

What happens when you push people away? Will they return? I have been asking myself that question for the past 5 years. They still haven't come back to me. I thought I was worth fighting for. I should've known I was wrong.

I hurt him first. I deserve his hatred. I shouldn't have hurt him like that. 

I broke my promise. It was my fault. I should've listened to Pete. He told me not to tell him. I could have kept my mouth shut. I could have saved our friendship. 

I fucked up. He laughed at me when I told him. He thought I was joking.. or maybe he thought I was one.

I am now.

Pete was right. I needed to leave him alone. Calling and apologizing did nothing but make me look more pathetic. " he doesnt want you around" he said. I needed to forget about him. I needed to forget about all of them. It was for the best. 

Spencer tried to keep me close. I wouldn't let him. It was better to cut the ties before I hurt him any longer. So I stopped answering his messages, it took him a week before he stopped calling me for good. That's why I can't be upset over not being invited to the wedding. We haven't spoken in years. I wouldn't go even if he invited me.

Jon won't leave me alone. I keep trying to push him away, anger him in some way, but he keeps coming back. He won't and has never left me. He doesn't judge me when I tell him I've been wearing the same clothes for the past week. He doesn't yell at me when I say I haven't been writing. He just tells me that I'll be ok. That I'll get better. He tries to motivate me with spurts of inspirational messages but I don't think they're working anymore.

I don't deserve her. Every day she comes back to me. I don't deserve her. She's too good for me. 

I'm such a fucking waste. I'm a disposable person whom she could drop at any moment. I'm surprised she hasn't left me yet. I'm pathetic, she's perfect. I can't even be a good boyfriend to her yet she's still here. I pray that she leaves me bore I hurt her like the others. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I hurt her. 

It's inevitable that I will. I know that. 

I'm not very good at keeping people. Everyone who has ever gotten to know me has come to despise me. Even Dan and Jeremy can't be around me for longer than a day at a time. I guess that's what happens when you tell someone your problems everyday. I've learned from my mistakes, I don't express my emotions as often anymore. People enjoy the silence more than my tears. 

They all end up leaving in the end. It's ok. I deserve it.

Plus, I've gotten a lot better at faking my smile.


	2. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> love:  
> A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness 
> 
> affection:  
> A tender feeling toward another; fondness 
> 
> learn to tell the difference.

_"Why are you so pathetic?"_

_**Silence. Take the punches. Don't fight back** _

_"All you do is sit around and sulk, Ross, what the fuck is up with you?"_

_**I'm in love with you and you can't see it.** _

_"I'm sorry I'll be better"_

_**No, you won't.** _

 

_***_

I replay that conversation in my head  ever night.

 

It feels like a nightmare. I try to change how I tell him. Throw a curveball one time and be straight forward the next. In the end, he's always upset. In the end, he always pushes me away.

 

I made the mistake the first day I met him. I should've listened to Spencer.

 

***

_"Hi I'm Brendon" he smiled at me. That beautiful smile. His eyes, so innocent and perfect. He knew what he was doing. He knew what power he had._

_"Ryan..nice to meet you" I hold out my hand._

_He rejects my hand and pulls me in for a hug. I hate hugs._

_"I hug" he says laughing with his perfect looks._

_I like hugs now.  H _e's so warm. His hugs are the ones that make you feel safe. They make you feel protected from the bad things in the world.__

 

**__Brendon makes you feel like he can stop any pain, any heartache. He has always been that way, ever since I met him, he's wanted to be someone's superman. He likes caring for people. Sometimes his affectionate actions can be mistaken for love._ _ **

 

**__one thing I wish I knew then. There's a difference between love and affection._ _ **

 

_We went out to eat that day for our band meeting. It was in celebration of Brendon being our new guitarist._

_Brendon, being the kindest boy in the world offered to pay for the meal. Brent wouldn't let him, instead Brendon was in charge of carrying the food over to our table._

_I watched as he dropped ketchup packets all over the ground. The clumsy fuck. He was so adorable._

_"I've never seen you smile like that before Ry."_

_I couldn't hide my blushing from Spencer._

_"I'm just..happy"_

_"Yeah? Happy about anything in particular?"_

_I glance over my shoulder at him. He sees me and smiles back._

_"Maybe"  I'm blushing still_

_"Don't do it Ry.."_

_**I should've listened** _

_"Don't do what?"_

_**Don't be stupid** _

_"Don't fall for someone you'll never have"_

_**I should've listened** _

 

***

 

that memory fades to black in my dreams. As the years have passed it's gotten harder to see Brendon's smile. But Spencer's warning never fades.

 

stupidity.

 

that was the first step in my collapse.

 

that was the day I fell in love.

 

that was the day I began to hurt everyone around me.

 

 


	3. Giving In

When was the last time you threw up? Were you sick? Were you in pain? Were you nervous or anxious for something?  
  
When was the last time you cried yourself to sleep? I don't mean a few tears falling before bed. No. Real sobbing. The type of crying that makes you gasp for air because you can't breathe. The type that you could stop immediately if someone were to walk in on you.  
  
Have you ever hid your tears? I have. I started at a young age, though. I was taught to.  
  
Crying is the most pathetic thing that someone can catch you doing. It shows weakness. It allows people to get inside your head.  
***

 _"Don't let them_ in" _he said_  
  
**Slap**  
  
_"All they will do is hurt you Ryan"_  
  
**Slap**  
  
_"Don't let them see how pitiful you can be"_  
  
**Listen to him**

  
  
***  
  
_I didn't mean for him to catch me that day. I was in my bunk, July of 2006. No one was supposed to be on the bus. They were supposed to be gone for a few hours. I should've learned to stop my tears from falling._  
  
_"Ry? Is that you?"_  
  
_He was closer to my bunk now. I couldn't run from him. There was no escape route._  
  
_He opened up my curtain_  
  
_"Ry? Are you..is everything alright? W-why are you crying?"_  
  
**_Tell him your fine. Make him leave you alone._**  
  
_"He's dead,_ Brendon. _" I say as the tears keep rolling._  
  
**_Shouldn't have said anything_**  
  
_"Ry..I'm_ so... _I'm sorry." He's hugging me now. He won't let me go. "You know I'm here for you..everything will be alright."_  
  
**_Don't let him in_**  
  
_I nod, still sobbing into his shoulders. His shirt is soaked now and I feel bad.  Now he'll have to explain to everyone that I was crying. Everyone will know how pathetic I am._  
  
_He lifts my head up so I'm looking at him now. "I love you Ry, you know that?"_  
  
**_Don't let him in. He doesn't mean it that way._**  
  
_I can't hide my smile._  
  
_"I love you too"_  
  
**_And you'll never stop. Idiot._**  
  
_We cancelled a few shows after that. He held for hours into the night. No one questioned a thing when they saw me curled up, latched onto his chest. I suppose they thought i needed him. They were right. When I went to my_ father's _funeral, Brendon held my hand. I remember sitting in the back seat as Zack drove us there. Jon and Spencer sat to my left. Brendon to my right. He massaged my fingers and hummed a tune as he tried to keep me calm._  
  
_I remember searching for my mother when we arrived. Scanning the crowd of guests. People came up to me left and right, apologizing for my lose and_  telling me that  _my father was "a great man". Clearly they didn't speak to him for the past 10 years. Clearly they never saw his face when I told him I was dropping out of college. They never heard him yell and fight with me, telling me I was making the biggest mistake of my life. That I was a mistake. They weren't there when I made him cry. When I handed him the finished CD and played him "Camisado" and "Nails for Breakfast ,Tacks for Snacks" and he sobbed because he knew they were about him. Or when I left him in his hospital bed, covered in his own vomit because I was going on tour. Because I couldn't take care of him anymore. Because for once in my life I needed to do something for me._

**I was selfish.**

_She didn't show up. I hate her. I fucking hate her so much. All I wanted was for her to show up, but she didn't even have the decency to drive fifteen minutes to console her fucking son. Bitch._  
  
_I cried at the reception._  
  
_Spencer stood by his family the whole time while Jon stayed quiet, too afraid to say something that would cause me to break._  
  
_Brendon, on the other hand, decided to turn into superman again._  
  
**_He was just being kind. I should've noticed._ **  
  
_So when Brendon held out his hand, I grabbed it._

_When he asked me what I wanted, I said to be happy._  
  
_But I was so vulnerable_  
  
_That's why when he pulled me in for a hug and gave me a peck on the cheek...I didn't fight back._  
  
_I let him in. I let him see my weaknesses. Because for some stupid fucking reason I thought it was a possibility that he might want to show me his._  
  
**_I should've known that wasn't a possibility._ **

***

Something I have learned as I've gotten older is that people don't show you their true side unless they either trust you or are in love with you. People say "I love you" every single

day. But do they really mean it? Just because someone holds you while your crying does not mean they want to be with you for the rest of their life. Holding hands does not

constitute a confirmation in a relationship.

 

Saying I love you means nothing. 

 

People always expect something in return when that phrase is uttered. 

 

Next time someone says they love you, ask them if they mean it. Their reaction will surprise you. 


	4. Sleepless in the Bunks

He called the other day,

 

 Jon called me.

 

It was 8am, too fucking early for a phone call. But nevertheless I answered and he talked my ear off.

 

"I talked to him Ry," of course you're too afraid to say his name in front of me. "It's uh..it's not gonna happen."

 

"Yeah..I figured"

 

"It's better that we don't Ry I mean-.."

 

"I know"

 

"You know what he says doesn't matter right? None of this is your fault"

 

"Mhm"

 

"I can fly down if you'd like me to"

 

"It's ok Jon..I'm a grown man..I don't need a babysitter"

 

"I know I just..I worry about you ok? " 

 

I'm silent again. I don't want his sympathy .

 

"Listen ry..I am always here for you. Always."

 

I know you are, you always have been.

 

"I love you ok?"

 

"I know"

 

I hang up. 

 

Why does he have to be so good to me. Why couldn't Jon leave me like the others. Believe me, I tried to push him away. Multiple times. The first being the Young Veins, I told him I didn't want him, I wanted Spencer with me. His response? He waited until Spencer chose Brendon over me and caught me when I came crashing down into the reality that I had lost Spencer forever. Next I broke up the Young Veins, tried to make him hate me by turning down every idea he could possibly think of for the second album. His response? Putting the band on hiatus and just focusing on being friends. Friends. Jon has called me at least once a week since then, and every time we talk it's the same thing. He's worried about me. He thinks that one day I'm going to go off the deep end, that I blame myself for it. I should though, because no one forced me to leave. No one forced me to hurt. No one forced me to fuck up my life. I did it on my own and there's nothing, not even Jon's weekly messages, that could keep me from believing that.

 

***

 

The truth is when you're in love you can't see the bad in people. Everything is wonderful and everything that special someone does is perfect. Every thing they do, every move they make, every word they speak to you , you over-examine.  This is especially worse in those who are not aware of the fact that they are the only one in love. 

 

When he looks at you with a smile, you think he loves you, he's really just being polite.

When he gives you a hug after the show, you think your his one and only, he's really just being a good friend.

When he's drunk and latches on to you, you think he wants you, in reality? It's the alcohol talking.

***

 

  
_It was playful at first. "Stage Gay" that's what he called it. I was supposed to play along with him, act like I was madly in_ love , _grind against him a few times and maybe if I was lucky, we'd kiss.  Brendon loves to pretend things. He likes stories and plays and acting. So pretending to be in love was as easy for him on stage as it was off._  


 

  
_We drank sometimes. Brendon drank more. I remember I was always in charge of carrying the incoherent_ man-chi _ld off to bed. And as we shared hotel rooms, I would sleep in one and he would sleep in the other. Nothing happened,_ _until Brendon started talking in his sleep._  


 

  
_He would call my name, beg me to_   _lay next to him. I would ignore him up until the point where he was sloppily crawling into my bed grabbing onto me._  


 

_"Ry..hold..now" he would blurt out words incoherently. But clearly he knew what he was doing as he would wrap his arms around me in a spooning position._

 

_I used to think he just got cold or maybe it was some childhood habit that he couldn't get rid of, so as time went on I got used to his sleeping habits and didn't mind them, I mean who doesn't enjoy a good cuddle every now and then?_

 

_That was until I started being woken up, by his kisses. Gentle ones just on my neck, it was a weird feeling and yes I know, I should've told him to stop, and I would have...if he didn't say it._

 

_"Bren..hey buddy, go back to sleep" I tried to nudge him off. I know he didn't want this and I didn't want to remind him of what he did in the morning._

 

_"Love..you" he groaned._

 

_What the fuck did he just say? No nope I'm hearing things._

 

_"Ryan..love" fuck he said it again. So he's..dreaming about me?_

 

_I should've shut him up right there, but no my emotions got the best of me. I bottled up what he said and from then on, I was his. He controlled my emotions._

 

_He knew what he was doing to me. He would nudge me in interviews, make provocative jokes in public, play with my hair or fingers, anything..anything to fuck with me. Because he knew he had me in the palm of his hand, anything he wanted, I would give him._

 

_What an idiot._

 

_***_


	5. I hate Brendon Urie

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't do it. I'm sorry when Pete called I hung up on him. I'm sorry that I ruined my friendships. I'm sorry I'm a coward. I'm sorry I didn't want to be humiliated in front of people that despise me. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that it is all my fault. But I couldn't be near him, he didn't want to speak to me anymore. I've been trying for years and now this bastard wants to talk to me? He wants to play buddy-buddy and smile for the cameras? Pretend like everything is a-ok? No. Maybe Jon can pretend. But that's because Jon didn't go through what I went through. Jon wasn't treated like a fucking leper. So fuck you, Urie. Fuck you. I hate you and your stupid hair and your stupid face and I wish I could take back every moment I had with you. I wish I never met you. I wish you chose to quit the band and go to hairdressing school. I wish the band didn't succeed because maybe, maybe that would mean spending less time with you. Because I can't fucking stand you. I hate you. 

Yes. I, George Ryan Ross III hate Brendon Boyd Urie.

 

***

 

_I was an idiot. An idiot, yes I know. I shouldn't have trusted an unknown number. I shouldn't have believed them when they said it was Brendon. I should have asked for proof._

 

_But I was desperate._

 

_He hadn't talked to me in months. The last call I made wasn't the best experience._

 

_I dialed the number and this was the reply I got._

 

_"The number you are trying to reach is unavailable"_

 

_My heart sunk. He blocked me. I wasn't good enough to even speak to him anymore. He hated me. So- so when I got that message saying "he got a new phone" I caved. I was so happy I messaged right away. When he asked me to meet up, I dressed up. I bought this nice tan suit, thought maybe if I looked good he'd love me again. I waited for three hours. I didn't really hold it against him, thought he got cold feet._

 

_What hurt wasn't knowing that I had been lied to. It wasn't finding out that a random girl had been texting me for months. It was the call after, the call from Pete._

 

_"Hey, Ry I'm gonna hand the phone over to Brendon alright? He wants to talk to you"_

 

_He couldn't even call me himself. He didn't want me to know his number._

 

  
_"Ryan? You there?" Brendon's voice,_ it'd _been long since I'd heard it._  


 

_"Yeah I'm here..w-what's up?"_

 

_"Listen I'm really sorry about what happened with that...that fan."_

 

_"Yeah..it's fine really you know.."_

 

_"No Ryan it's not alright-you know that..I mean she made you-" he's laughing now. "She made you think we'd actually be friends again"_

 

  
_"You mean you- you don't_ wan _-"_  


 

_"Ryan you're not serious are you..I mean-" He's laughing. I can hear laughing in the background. They can all hear me. Shit. I feel like I'm going to throw up._

 

_"I just thought-"_

 

_"You're hilarious Ross..really. The fact that you think I'd actually want to even speak to you again is hysterical. Dude I fucking blocked you."_

 

_Is this what dying feels like?_

 

_"It's not-it's not funny Brendon" I'm getting choked up now._

 

_"You're right..it's not funny. It's actually pretty pathetic."_

 

_Fuck. I can't breathe._

 

_"Listen Ryan. Do me a favor..actually do us all a favor and stay out of my life." He hangs up._

 

_I'm on the floor now and I can't breathe. I'm trying but my sobbing is taking over and I can't stop shaking. I'm alone now. I can't call anyone. Who the fuck am I supposed to talk to that would understand? Jon? He's hundreds of miles away. Spencer? He's probably sitting with Brendon laughing at my pathetic self. Im sick to my stomach. All that's on my mind is how much alcohol it takes to make me pass out._

 

_Are you satisfied? Is that you wanted?_

 

_Congratulations Brendon. You broke me. I hope you're fucking happy._

 

_***_


	6. Night Terrors

She came home last night. Dottie was excited to see her. Puppy was jumping up and down like I hadn't been the one taking care of her for the past week. She just missed her mom..that's all.

 

  


I guess my eyes can tell everything that's going on in my head. we went off to bed and laid there, facing one another. 

 

"You look like you've had a rough week love"

I have. I was alone.

 

"M'fine" I say as I rub my face and go into a yawn. 

 

"Are you sure about that?" Helena tilts her head. She's so cute when she looks at me like that.

 

"I just..I'm happy you're home" I smile as I pull her closer to me.

 

"I'm happy I'm here to." She says as she snuggles onto my side, resting her head on my chest. "Goodnight Ryan, I love you."

 

I kiss her head 

 

" I love you too"

 

Even if I don't deserve you.

 

***

 

  
_I open my eyes, it's pitch black. I can see a light shining towards a door so I get up and follow it. I open the door and I'm in another room. It's bright and the walls are white and it smells like old paint. My eyes are in pain so I rub them trying to escape the brightness.  When I open them again I can see a hallway that wasn't there_ before.. _I walk down it hoping to escape this place. I hear voices now. One voice. It sounds like an older man..a pastor maybe? He's standing outside in a field._ No _not a field. A graveyard._ There's _empty seats and a casket being lowered into the ground._  


 

_Who's funeral is it? I walk closer. There's a photo by the man._

 

_I can't breathe._

 

_I look into the crowd, not a single soul is there._

 

_I feel like I'm going to puke._

 

_The man continues with his prayer._

 

_I'm watching my own funeral_

 

_Why isn't anyone here? I try to scream but nothing is coming out. They're moving closer..the black shadows are reaching out, grabbing at my feet.I can't breathe, I try to run but my feet are stuck in place. Someone please make this stop. I collapse._

 

_"Ryan?" I look up_

 

***

 

"Brendon?" I open my eyes wearily. I can taste the tears streaming down my face.

 

"Sweetheart it's me." 

 

I'm hyperventilating now . I didn’t notice until I couldn't speak. It was happening again. Fuck not in front of her. 

Helena must have woken me up once she heard my sobbing.

 

“Breathe Ryan just take deep breaths”

 

I try to mimic her breaths. I'm shaking still but I can breathe and right now that's a fucking miracle.

 

"I'm s-sorry" 

 

"Shh baby you don't have to apologize"

 

"I didn't mean to s-scare you, I just had a um a nightmare"

 

She's brushing the hair out of my face now. 

 

 “You were thinking about him again weren’t you?”

 How does she know? Had he mentioned this?  Did he talk in his sleep?

“Dan told me..he said…he said you miss him sometimes. Was he in your dream this time?”

Fuck

“Y-yeah I- he- listen ,babe I don't-it's over now ok?" 

 

"You loved him didn't you?" 

 

"Y-yeah"

 

Fuck I didn't want her to know this.

 

“How much did you love him?”

 

I sigh

 

“Not enough to make him love me 

back”

 

She's frowning now. I've upset her. Fuck Ryan what the fuck were you thinking. Stop telling everyone your issues. All it does is ruin things.

 

"He didn't deserve you."

 

She kisses my nose.

 

"I don't des-" my words are stopped with a kiss. 

 

"You're perfect Ryan. I only wish you could see what I see." She says as she curls up under my chin. I hold onto her with my life.

 

I wish I could stay here in this moment forever.

 

***


End file.
